


Redemption

by JudyOct98



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 15:24:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20260291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudyOct98/pseuds/JudyOct98
Summary: A sequel to "Equinox" from the 5th season. Kathryn starts acting odd when the mission ends and the crew worries over her.





	Redemption

Disclaimer: They belong to Paramount. I'm just borrowing them.   
Rating: PG-13

Redemption

By J.A. Greene

What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life -   
to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to   
each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the  
moments of the last parting?

\- George Eliot

The silence was deafening now as she sat in the dark of her quarters. Compared to the whine of those alien fissures opening at moments when the ship's shield grid weakened, she should be relieved to hear this silence.

She wasn't.

Her head throbbed with the sounds still, the screams of her crew in terror, the phaser fire...the imagined warp core explosion as the Equinox blew up before her taking Ransom and the closing deal of the alien attacks with him.

That was three weeks ago. The ship was a mess, not so bad off as the Equinox when they first came across the first Starfleet vessel they'd encountered in five years in the Delta Quadrant. However, a mess nonetheless. Despite the trauma and casualties, the crew of Voyager pulled themselves together and put the ship back together, with the remaining survivors of the Equinox crew. She ordered them to do the menial tasks with supervision. They did as told.

She was proud of her crew, but couldn't stand who she faced in the mirror each day. She had all she could do not to break that glass each morning.

Kathryn groaned putting her face in her hands as she leaned forward trying to block out the noise. Tears threatened to fall as they burned the back of her eyes. She breathed slowly, forcing the air into her lungs and out again.

The survivors had to live with their actions. She had to live with hers and she wasn't sure if that were possible.

Then there was Chakotay. What she did to him in her attempt to avenge those aliens, he had warned her, she relieved him of duty. What was she thinking? She had needed him during that crucial time and she confined him to quarters when he was only doing his job.

What was she thinking?

He was her first officer, but also her best friend and confidant. As much as her heart would allow, her second half. Not lover, but the other side of her soul. He completed her, anchored her when she felt herself losing control and fulfilled her need when she needed to be Kathryn, and not the Captain.

She needed her anchor now and she had cast him adrift wondering if he'd ever forgive her. She wondered if he ever would, she knew she didn't deserve to be forgiven, but...

She groaned again unable to sleep, her thoughts getting the best of her. Slowly she stood up, absently reached for her uniform jacket pulling it on, fastened it and walked out of her quarters.

=/\=

Chakotay lay in bed drifting in a light sleep. The last three weeks kept him busy with the ship repairs and lack of sleep. He knew that wasn't the only thing keeping him from a deep sleep.

It was Kathryn. Since they returned on their course for the Alpha Quadrant, she became distant from him. It wasn't the first time she distanced herself from him, but this had to be so far one of her worst. He knew she felt guilty from her actions, he didn't know how to approach her now. Usually the direct way worked with her. She preferred that. However, these past few weeks when he spoke with her, she had a look of being elsewhere. She spoke with him, issued orders, but kept to herself.

Those beautiful blue-gray eyes were empty. She was a shell. He remembered when she relieved him of duty, the anger in her eyes...the look of betrayal when he told her he wouldn't allow her to cross the line of executioner and bounty hunter. Somehow those lines became blurred and soon completely erased when he opposed her on her dealings with Ransom.

When it was all over, she was empty. They attended Neelix's dinner together, to forge what part of their relationship they had left. However, it was all an act, she pulled away from him and he couldn't stop her.

It was like clutching at straws and he was sliding down a very slick slope.

With a soft moan, he turned over on his side clutching his pillow. He willed himself to clear his mind, he had to be refreshed enough for duty. Kathryn needed him, although she hadn't asked for his help, he wanted to be there for her. Needed to be there.

That next afternoon, Chakotay sat working in his office. As he tried to finish up various reports, his subconscious was on Kathryn again. Today when she reported to the bridge, her eyes were still blank, but slightly red and the dark shadows beneath her eyes gave away the fact she wasn't sleeping.

He was at a loss of what to say to her, help her. She was still closed off to him without much argument he made an excuse to leave the bridge to work in his office. He heard his doorchime and gazed over, "come in," the doors slid open revealing Marla Gilmore. She walked in tentatively as he sat up some in his chair surprised to see the former ensign from the Equinox.

During the attacks on Voyager, after the remaining crew had been arrested, Gilmore had confessed the guilt of her actions to him before Ransom used the ship's transporter to beam them back to the Equinox. He fought for her on hoping Kathryn would be lenient with Gilmore and the rest. She didn't bend, she firmly told him they should have known better for following orders which led to genocide. He wondered if she ever really intended to convene that court martial on the crew, but hadn't said anything.

"Yes, crewman?" he asked.

"Am I bothering you?" she asked.

Chakotay shook his head with a soft smile, "no, just dealing with my monthly reports. What can I do for you?"

Gilmore stood at ease in front of his desk, "Commander, I was wondering if my duties could be...modified?"

Chakotay stared at her; "if I'm informed correctly, Lieutenant Torres has you cleaning the warp plasma manifolds this week?" Gilmore nodded, "I'm sorry crewman, but the Captain has the final word. When she feels you and the rest will be able to take on regular positions, she'll let me know."

"I understand, sir," she replied. "It's just that...I can be alittle claustrophobic - " she stopped with a sigh. "Never mind, I'll handle it."

"Good," he said, "because changing the Captain's mind isn't an easy thing to do." She nodded, "how are you settling in otherwise?"

She shrugged, "okay, I guess. My quarters with Ensign Haynes is comfortable and she's considerate."

"That's good," he said. "Well, if there's nothing else -?"

She shook her head, "no sir." She turned to leave and a moment later turned back to him. "Sir, I was curious - last week I was on Beta shift and while on duty on Deck 14 I saw the Captain."

Chakotay raised his eyebrow, "on Deck 14?" He knew it was rare for Kathryn to go to the lower decks. She nodded, "how long was she there?"

"Not long," Gilmore replied, "but it was...strange. First she was there, I turned around to finish what I was doing and then to ask her something and she was gone. Almost like a ghost, I had to really think if she was there or not."

"Did she say -?"

She shook her head, "no, sir. Like I said, it was strange."

Chakotay sighed, "usually after a stressful mission, the Captain tends to have bouts of insomnia for a few weeks. She likes to wander the ship, it sometimes helps her relax."

"Very well," she said with a nod. "I...just don't know how to react when she's around." She lowered her eyes, "considering all that's happened."

Chakotay sympathized with Gilmore, he understood himself. He didn't know how to act around Kathryn lately either. Although knew that's not what Gilmore was referring to. Kathryn's presence on board was immense. She projected herself larger than life and could easily intimidate the crew and junior officers, but not on purpose. Gilmore was just nervous around her in general.

"It'll get better," he said gently, "crewman. Captain Janeway is very nice and open to everyone. Eventually you'll either be able to talk with her with no problem or just acknowledge her." She nodded, "if there's anything else?" She shook her head, "well, then I think you should continue with those manifolds. The last thing you want is Lieutenant Torres after you."

"Yes, sir," she said and left.

Once Gilmore left, Chakotay sat in thought of her concern of seeing Kathryn on the lower decks. He knew she wandered. He left her alone most times when she did these past few years. In the past, he joined her once or twice. Especially after the Borg alliance and the Hirogen attack on the ship.

They talked then, sometimes after a light dinner. His love for her was deep, but buried still after all these times. During then, he didn't pressure her, but she opened up alittle during then. It was late most times and she'd take his hand gripping it, her eyes searching his. He could see how she felt about him still and that was enough. He returned her grip reassuringly, one time pulling her closer to him, he reached out to touch her hair...they were on the small observation deck located on Deck 12, the furthest she'd ever went...

..."Chakotay," she had said softly, "thank you."

"For what?"

She smirked, "for understanding...the way things have...to be."

He smiled gently at her, "I'm just happy to be with you Kathryn."

"Who would ever guess - " she started softly, she shuddered feeling his hand gently slide beneath her hair cupping her head tenderly as he pulled her closer. "That our lives would cross like this?"

He stared at her, her eyes wide and beautiful, "and if we hadn't ended up here, the most glance we would have given each other would have been from the inside of the brig."

She smiled at him, "oh, I realized this." She paused, "part...of me is happy I didn't...catch you."

"What about the other part?"

"Still out for deliberation," she quipped. He chuckled.

"I'll take that as a good sign," he said grinning lovingly at her. Then to his surprise, she slid into his arms, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder. He then wrapped his around her holding her gently as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head closing his eyes. This would be as close she would allow him, he knew and he was happy with that.

They had stood pressed together quietly for several minutes, then she sighed softly, "promise me you'll always be there for me Chakotay."

"I'll never leave you," he whispered tenderly.

"I'm happy to hear that," she said and squeezed his waist tighter, forcing her tears back. Her love for him expressed in this simple gesture, and then she looked at him. "I've never had such a good friend - " and quieted when he touched her mouth. He leaned down and gently brushed his mouth with hers, she gasped softly at the current of energy that passed through her. He gazed at her as she fought for control. After a moment whispered, "well, it's late and I should really try to sleep."

He nodded, "yes...that's a good idea." She smiled softly at him and she lowered her arms from him breaking the contact, he did the same. "Come on Kathryn, its late," and they headed back to the turbo-lift...

...Deck 14? He questioned to himself.

He then shook his head in confusion deciding he'd give it a few days to see if her insomnia cleared up. If it didn't, then he'd do something. With a sigh, he returned to his desk to finish up the reports.

Two nights later, B'Elanna glanced up at the upper level of the warp core annoyed. Although she was being quiet and not bothering her staff, the Captain's presence was enough to set her off.

In the past when Kathryn visited engineering it was for a purpose. However, she wouldn't stay and lurk like this. Janeway stood near one of the unoccupied stations located along the walkway opposite the warp core.

She stood gazing around the engine room in a shadow, her expression blank. B'Elanna thought she looked haunted, pale and non-approachable. This was the second night, if Janeway showed up again the next, she was going to Chakotay, who she knew had some influence on the Captain.

=/\=

Chakotay pulled on his uniform jacket and heard his door chime. He glanced at his chronometer, 0630. Curious, he walked into his living area pulling the cuffs of his shirt down beneath the sleeves. "Come in," he said. The doors slid open and B'Elanna entered looking tired and frustrated. However, that was normal for her, what wasn't was a visit this early. "B'Elanna shouldn't you be asleep?"

She sank down at his table staring at him as he started to fasten his jacket. "I had to talk to you first," she said.

"Fine," he said, "would you like something to eat?" She shook her head, he sighed, this was obviously something serious enough that...

"You have to do," she claimed, "something about the Captain?"

He stood by his replicator with a cup of tea, he smirked turning to her. "Excuse me?"

"Do something!" she said insistent. "Don't tell me you haven't heard of her lurking around at all hours these past several weeks?"

Chakotay sipped his tea. In fact, he had heard more concerns from various crewmembers of Kathryn's late night walks. They all described her the same way or like a ghost. She appeared haunted while staying in the shadows observing them. She was becoming Voyager's ghost, while still alive.

"I have heard," he said softly and walked over sitting down opposite her. He stared at her, "what do you expect me to do?"

B'Elanna stared at him. Then she leaned forward, "Chakotay, for the past three nights she's lurked in the engine room. It's starting to distract my people, what's going on with her? I've never seen her like this."

He glanced down, "she's got insomnia - "

" - I know of her insomnia," she stated, "but this is different. Something is obviously bothering her. Can't you talk to her?"

"I don't know if she'll listen," he said simply, she stared at him. "She's detached herself from me to B'Elanna." He paused. Then sighed, "she's working out her own demons from our time with the Equinox."

B'Elanna was confused, "that was weeks ago Chakotay!"

He glanced at her, "it doesn't matter. For the Captain, it took place yesterday." After a slight pause he added, "she feels like the crew doesn't forgive her for what happened."

"That's ridiculous," she said surprised, "she did what she had to do. Everyone knows that."

"But she doesn't, " he said simply. He couldn't tell her that Kathryn also wouldn't forgive herself for what happened. "I've tried talking to her, I've had no luck."

B'Elanna sighed, "Chakotay there has to be a way for you to get through to her." He stared at her, "you've done it before."

He sighed now knowing it was time for the indirect approach with Kathryn. The direct only turned her away from him this time, but she was obviously getting worse and this ship and crew needed her complete and well rested. Which obviously wasn't happening.

He nodded, "I'll do what I can B'Elanna."

"Make it fast," she said standing. She stifled a yawn, "now I'll go to bed. And you have duty."

He nodded also standing, "yeah, I know." He fastened up the rest of his jacket, they walked out into the corridor. "Sleep good, B'El," she nodded with a smirk at him and walked away. He turned heading to the lift that would take him to the bridge.

=/\=

Later that day, he sat on the bridge with Tom's current conn report and Kathryn sat with Tuvok's tactical. He stole a glance at her, she looked as if she were reading it, but her eyes weren't moving and her hand held the padd upright.

He knew this wasn't the time or place to confront her, but wanted to in private. "Captain?"

Kathryn didn't respond for a moment, slowly her head turned gazing at him. It took a moment, she blinked, "yes, Commander?"

"Join me for lunch?"

"What?" she asked, not comprehending.

"Lunch," he repeated, "with me? The bridge is quiet and I think Tuvok could handle things while we're gone."

She shook her head, the noise was pounding between her temples. She felt a headache starting. She swallowed looking away, "no thank you, Commander." She heard him sigh, she then stood up. "You go ahead, please. I'll be in my ready room," and walked off the command level.

Chakotay rubbed the bridge of his nose. He then glanced over at Tuvok who raised an eyebrow of concern. He realized Tuvok obviously was aware of Kathryn's state of mind. Something had to be done. He returned his attention back to the padd.

=/\=

Later that night, Kathryn wandered the ship again, this time avoiding engineering and stayed part of the time in astrometrics and down on the observation deck watching the stars skim by.

The noise was too much the next night as well. In attempt to try to sleep, she couldn't, dressed and walked.

Chakotay slept little that night knowing Kathryn was out again. He rose from his light slumber glancing at his chronometer, 0230. He groaned rubbing his face, "computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway," it replied, "is in the messhall."

He nodded, threw the covers back and swung his legs over the side. He stood up and began to dress.

=/\=

Kathryn sat on the sofa with her head in her hands. As much as she tried to fight it, the noise seemed louder tonight. The messhall was dark and empty, she was grateful for that, since most of the crew was asleep, other than those on duty for Beta shift.

She just wished she could stop the damned noise! She whimpered feeling tears well up in her eyes, her head feeling like it was going to explode.

Where was Chakotay when she needed him the most? In bed, just like she should be. She couldn't and wouldn't ask him to come to her. It wasn't possible after what she did to him.

Chakotay quietly entered the messhall, the doors whispered closed behind him. She obviously didn't hear him, he could just make out her figure on the sofa against the viewport. He slowly approached her getting a clear view of her with her head in her hands and hearing a soft whimper from her.

She was in obvious distress and it hurt him to see her in this much anguish. He wasn't going to let her go through this alone anymore as he realized she needed him. With a sigh he said softly, "how does some coffee sound?"

Kathryn gasped in shock lifting her head hearing his voice. She gazed up peering over at Chakotay who stood before her. She quickly wiped the tears away from her eyes, "what?" she asked confused.

"Coffee?" he repeated gently. "I think we both could use some."

She smirked, "you've never drank coffee this early - "

He shrugged, "well, I think an exception should be made in this case." She stared at him, then nodded. He turned walking over to the replicator finding Neelix left this one on in case someone needed something. He ordered the two cups, picked them up and walked back over to her handing her one. She took it and he sank down on the table in front of her studying her for a moment.

They sat quietly for a moment. She sipped her coffee and looked at him realizing he must have known where to find her tonight. She didn't tell him, but she was happy he was there.

"Chakotay why are you up this late?" she asked curious.

He sighed staring at her, "well, I couldn't sleep."

"Is something bothering you?" she asked gently, wanting to help.

He smirked at her, "not exactly." He paused for a moment, "there's a crewmember on board that's having difficulty with some guilt and depression. I was curious if you had any suggestions?"

Kathryn frowned, "have they seen the Doctor?"

"No," he replied staring at her.

"Is it one of our new crew?" she asked. "Are they settling in okay? I know I've had them working - "

He put his hand over hers, " - Kathryn, it's none of them. They're all doing well in fact." She shrugged, "I was wondering what you think we should do about this person?"

Kathryn sighed in thought, "this is where I wish we had a counselor on board." She looked at him, "your closer to the crew Chakotay, perhaps you can change hats for this?"

"I don't mind," he said still staring at her. "In fact, when I see a close friend in need, I'd like to be there for her."

Kathryn lifted her eyes gazing at him. It was then she realized he was referring to her. She wanted to laugh at his subtle approach and then just fall into his arms in tears so he could take the pain away.

She shook her head, "that was really devious Chakotay." He smiled gently at her. She stared at him saying as firm as she could, "but - thank you, I'm fine."

"I don't think so," he said. She stared at him, "Kathryn, it's almost 0300, you should be in bed, not sitting in the messhall."

"You know I can't sleep - "

He nodded, " - yes, I know of your insomnia problem, but it's not that and you know it." She didn't answer, but glance away. "Kathryn, you've become a ghost during Beta shift. The crew is really worried. I've gotten reports for the past couple of weeks of your jaunts all over the ship. Talk to me Kathryn, let me help you."

She shuddered putting a hand to her mouth, she shook her head, the whine got louder. She sighed, her voice shook, "and the crew's concern isn't necessary - "

" - Then what about me?" he asked firmly. She glanced at him, "look at you. You're exhausted Kathryn, I can see it in your eyes and face. Do you realize how much it hurts me to see you in this much torment?"

"I deserve this," she replied simply.

"What?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked him. "The Equinox Chakotay. Sometimes I wish we could just...turn back these last four weeks. But we can't, what I did to the crew and...you is unforgivable." She stood up away from him as she clenched her hands squeezing her eyes shut, "and this damn noise! I can't get rid of it!"

He stared at her somewhat confused on what she meant by noise. He slowly stood, "what noise Kathryn?"

"The screams," she whispered, "those fissures - I can still...hear it! Sometimes it gets so...loud it feels as if my head's going to explode."

He realized that's what was keeping her awake, it must be driving her crazy. He walked up behind her, "they forgive you Kathryn."

She shrugged, "sure they have." She turned slightly to him, "have you forgiven me?" He didn't answer. She then nodded feeling a tear slide down her face. "I thought so, I can't forgive myself either. What I did to you...I can't eat or sleep - " he reached out to her pulling her to him by her forearm. "I understand Chakotay, I really do," her voice trembled.

"Kathryn - " he said gently.

"No," she said sharply, "no Chakotay, don't say it. I let my wrath for Ransom divide us. I didn't listen to you when I should have. You're always right about...everything."

He wanted to desperately hold her until she felt secure again. He shook his head, "no Kathryn, you did what you had to do. I was angry with you. Kathryn you almost got yourself killed! I don't know what I would have done if something happened to you," he paused and stepped up closer to her placing his hands on her arms. He leaned closer to her ear, "I want you to listen to me," she nodded. "This has strained our relationship. If you're still willing, I want to fix it."

The tears were sliding down her face silently as a choked sob was heard. "Can you ever forgive...me...Chakotay?"

He turned her to him seeing the tears. He took her face in his hands brushing them from her eyes and face. "I forgave you that day Kathryn." More tears spilled down her face, he then smiled gently at her, "and I want you to forgive yourself."

Kathryn tried to stop the tears, but they kept coming. She whispered, "oh god, you can't imagine how much I...want to. But, I...can't - "

" - Yes you could," he told her gently, "please, if not for yourself, then for me."

She stared up at him through her tears, "oh Chakotay - " he stroked her face tenderly. "I...for - " and he kissed her gently. She moaned softly in shock and surprise, he was breathing life back into her again. After a moment she started to respond wrapping her arms around him. He wrapped his around her as she clung tightly to him. Several moments later he pulled away gazing at her, she gasped as her gaze never left his. "Thank you, I...needed that."

He nodded smiling, "I know. Forgive yourself Kathryn, it's okay."

She wiped the remaining tears from her face as she listened for the noise. It was slowly fading, she couldn't hear anything much now but their breathing. She smiled reaching up cupping his face, he kissed the inside of her palm, "I think I could now," she replied finally. "It's fading - "

" - Kathryn," he said gently and they embraced gently. She was coming back. He kissed the top of her head, "I love you," he whispered softly.

She heard him and smiled feeling more tears, she held him tighter. "Oh - I love you to," she murmured, the noise was gone. He looked at her again, she smiled up at him and he kissed her deeply and gently again. She responded, relieved now that they were back together again and that she was at peace.

A few moments later he stroked her face. She then kissed his hand. "Now," he sighed, "I think it's time you get some rest."

"I think so, too," she replied, he reached down taking her hand. She held it tightly.

"Come on," he said gently and led her out of the messhall to her quarters.

There, they spent the night as he held her while she fell asleep. He had her take the morning off to sleep and let Tuvok know when he reported to his shift.

From that moment on their relationship began to return too normal and blossom. Their feelings apparent for each other, but not acted upon until she was ready. She had finally put her demons to rest.

Peace within your soul came with a price.

Redemption only brought it much closer.

  
END

FEEDBACK WOULD BE APPRECIATED


End file.
